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Read
From Chapter 1
When Culture Shocks
Yankees in Texas blend
but don't melt. To gather information for this book, I talked to Yankee
chicks who have moved to Texas as recently as a year ago and as long as
50 years ago. ... When I gathered a group of Yankee chicks together for
bagels and lox for a Yankee Chick Chat in my living room, we had moments
where the comment of one brought whoops of relieved recognition from the
rest of us. All our years of navigating Texas society without a map exploded
in several hours of bitching, venting, laughing, healthy Yankee disagreements,
and a symphony of honking accents. We were from Iowa, New York, Massachusetts,
New Jersey, Ohio, California, Pennsylvania and Missouri, but we understood
each other perfectly. To be able to say out loud, "So what's with
that football thing?" and have a room full of women throw their hands
in the air and roll their eyes was liberating. And when one Yankee Chick
said, "I knew I was in the right place when I saw the cars parked
out front," we all looked out the window at a row of small, beaten-down
old cars, and felt not the shame a Texan would feel driving a jalopy the
size of a pedal car, but good, frugal, Yankee pride.
From Chapter 2
Everything Looks Better With a Panhandle:
The Shape of Texas
By now you have noticed that
there is no product that can't be improved by making it in the shape of
Texas. If it isn't made in the shape of Texas, it has the shape of Texas
on it, somewhere. Texas is ubiquitous in Texas. This is one way Texans
show their Texas-pride. Texas is a cool shape. Vaguely star-shaped, oddly
symmetrical -- with dusty West Texas balancing the torpid east-- and instantly
recognizable, the shape begs to be exploited and Texans make the most
of it. Over time, the shape has become a visual shorthand for the Texas
history and mythology. Can you look at the shape of Texas, even if it's
just a praline, a change purse, or an egg salad sandwich, and not hear
thundering cattle and cowboys' whoops? I hear LBJ too. And accordions.
Willie Nelson. Ann Richards. I bet even people who have never been to
Texas hear these things, or some version of them. Yet you could show me
a pound cake baked in the shape of New York state and I probably wouldn't
even recognize it.
From Chapter 3
Blame John Wayne: The Alamo
Yankee chicks don't "get"
the Alamo.
"I didn't know until I read Texas history that John Wayne and the
rest of them lost," says Melanie from Maryland.
Here is the Cliff's Notes on
the Alamo: Texas was fighting for independence from Mexico. James Bowie,
Davy Crockett (played by John Wayne in the movie) and a small militia
(about 184), despite hopeless odds, defended the Alamo from a Mexican
army of thousands, under the command of General Antonio Lopez de Santa
Anna. All the Texians (pre-statehood Texans) except a few women and children
died, but the 13-day battle gave Sam Houston, military commander of the
Republic of Texas, time to prepare for the Battle of San Jacinto, where
soldiers hollered "Remember the Alamo!" (And "Remember
Goliad," but that's another story) as they charged. The Battle of
San Jacinto turned the tide of the fight for Independence, and Texans
have been feverishly remembering the Alamo ever since.
From Chapter 6
The Lord
is My Quarterback, I Shall Not Fumble: Football
Football lets men prove their
manliness, which seems to require pain and danger in the Texas tradition.
In Urban Cowboy, nothing made Debra Winger look hornier than watching
John Travolta do things that hurt, like ride the mechanical bull or get
punched. Pain is manly and football requires pain. The first five minutes
of North Dallas Forty, based on author Peter Gent's life as Dallas
Cowboy, when Nick Nolte puts his aging, aching body slowly into motion
while recalling the hits of the previous day's game, is excruciating to
watch and yet Nolte tries through the movie to cling to his football career.
And maternal instinct kicked into high in women all over Texas when poor
Troy Aikman, after his tenth concussion, started looking more startlingly
addled. We were all relieved when he retired.
From Chapter 8
Bless Your Heart, Aren't You Just
the Most Precious Li'l Clod
When the Texas Department of
Highways and Public Transportation wanted to put "The Friendship
State" on license plates, Texans let loose an outraged howl. One
senator said he had never seen such a negative reaction to a state agency
decision. "The Friendship State" was considered too wimpy for
Texans. Perhaps "The Friendly State" would have been accepted,
since it sounds less needy, more like a noncommital "howdy."
Because until you understand it, Texans' kindness can kill you. Newcomer
Yankee chicks often are be buffeted by Texans' friendliness, first imagining
they have friends where they don't, then wondering warily why everyone
is being so nice. Some caution is required if you don't understand the
waltz of Southern manners.
From Chapter 13
Overdressed, Underdressed, and In-Between
Bare arms are acceptable in
many workplaces here, although you may regret them when you arrive at
the office and immediately turn purple in the a/c. This accounts for outbreaks
of ugly sweaters in offices all over Texas, as most women keep an unsavory,
misshapen, pilled sweater in the bottom file drawer of their desks to
pull on when the a/c gets tough.
The YANKEE
CHICK'S SURVIVAL GUIDE
To TEXAS is required reading for all YaNKee
chicks in TEXaS.
*buY
it noW through Amazon.com
or at bookstores in Texas
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